I won't say goodbye

I just graduated. Now I'm moving out of the dorm I've lived in for two years.

A couple weeks ago my mom asked me, "Won't you be sad to move out of your dorm?" I said yes. Of course I would.

Then I asked her something back. "After graduating, how many friends did you lose?" She said, "Many. People just have their lives."

I was 18 the first time I set foot in Hong Kong. I didn't feel homesick at all. Everything felt like it was right where it should be. People always told me I'd keep the friends I made in middle school or high school, the ones that last a lifetime. I never found that. Things stayed at acquaintance level. I tried hard to make sense of it. I first saw a counselor in my first year, when I was struggling with anxiety. She asked me how deep my relationships went, moving her hands apart to show the depth. I held mine close to the surface. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have tried harder. Or maybe close friendship just wasn't my rizq^*, not from the day I was born.

Then I met the friends I have now. I'm so happy with them. It's the first time in my life I felt like I could just be myself. People still come and go. Some I thought I'd keep forever started to fade, and I had to learn to let those go too.

The friendships came through college, hobbies, work. Everyone was so kind. Who would have thought someone would take the effort to help me move out, to ask how I've been. It all felt new and genuine. Maybe because I never had it before.

I'm struggling to say goodbye. One thing I learned about myself as an adult here is that my love language is quality time. I'm still learning to give grace to everyone I've connected with. We're all busy moving through our own lives. There's grief in it, and regret. I wish I'd put in more effort. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe I could have been closer. Maybe this, maybe that.

I wish the best for everyone who has come into my life. If I don't say goodbye, that means I want to see you again. And I hope you don't mind if I do.

* Rizq is an Arabic word for the provision God has allotted you. Not just money, but the people, chances, and moments that come into your life.